Take Her, She's Mine
by Mint Chips
Summary: Update: Piccolo has fallen sick and this evil demon person takes over. And, of course, it's up to Soteira the Saiyajin Princess to save the Namekjin, because she wants Piccolo to be best man to Vegeta at Vegeta and Soteira's wedding.
1. The Princess and the Pauper: 3 Chapters

Notes: 

1.) All questions must be submitted in writing.  

2.) Secondly, this story moves very fast, for the author assumes/presumes that all readers know the series and know what sort of characters the characters are.

3.) I care not for being 'authentic' for the characters and their characters (this IS intended to be rather light-hearted - nearly).  I write via my own personal interpretation of the characters.

4.) Additional characters and their characters shall be made known at appropriate times.

5.) Please do not assume that this story takes place in real time (time may jump days or years or hours, etc.).  

6.) Thank you.

~ Chapter One: The Princess and the Piccolo ~

Princess Soteira stared long and hard into her jewel-studded mirror.  She tilted, turned, and jerked her head at every possible angle, so the light shone softly upon her every perfect (or what she thought) feature.  An hour passed before Princess Soteira considered herself 'fit to be seen' by the public.  She turned away from her precious mirror and fashionably lifted the skirt of her dress with one hand.  The other hand was held delicately in the air, waiting for an unseen courtier to snatch it and kiss it.

            Her head was held high, and with an obviously proud and arrogant air, Princess Soteira glided gracefully across the black marble floor of her large, high-ceiling bedroom.  She passed a jeweled and golden arch and two statues of golden lions that guarded her door.  Princess Soteira traveled past a small, but airy anteroom and speedily proceeded to the parlor.

            The parlor was the medium of the anteroom and the bedroom.  The parlor was spacious and had not a speck of dust or mite.  There were three bookshelves, placed in strategically fashionable places about the room, as were the two settees, two stands, three chairs, one coffee table, and one writing desk.  Some exotic flowering plants bloomed in various locations, giving the carpeted room a comfortable and earthy atmosphere.  Princess Soteira paused a moment to glance at some of her possessions, and sighed with content pride in her furniture arrangement skills.

            _There is no equal to myself._

            The sound of opening double doors caught Princess Soteira's attention.  A tall and dark-skinned footman bowed low, in the expected formal fashion.

            "Your Highness," he announced, rising from his bow, "Rhian, Second Prince of [former planet] Vegeta."

            A slim, muscled youth with a tangle of pony-tailed brown hair noisily strode into the room.  A wide, jolly grin was slapped across his face.  He saw Princess Soteira standing in the middle of the room, and at once marched to her and embraced her.

            "Soteira!" he cried, seizing the woman's waist and lifting her in the air.

            "Rhian!" the princess objected, but Rhian swung her around like she was a small child.

            "Rhian, please!" Soteira said, her voice strained.

            Rhian knew the tone all too well and set her down immediately.  Princess Soteira smoothed out her dress before speaking to him again.

            "Rhian, what is it that you must urgently speak to me about?" she said, her voice again calm and creamy.

            "Soteira," Rhian said, arm reaching for her waist again, "There is a pressing matter of exceeding importance that I must privately…"

            The footman exited.  Rhian paused as the footman closed the double doors.  The former immediately flew to the double doors and looked outside them for any eavesdroppers.  Rhian closed the doors again and locked them.  With this done, he turned to Princess Soteira again.

            "Soteira," Rhian began again, "I must…"

            "Why did you lock the doors," Soteira interrupted, "What is…"

            "Marry me, Soteira," Rhian cut in.

            Soteira was stunned.  Her pretty mouth hung openly undignified.

            "You want me to marry you!?" she half shouted in amazement.

            "Yes," said Rhian, then added, "please."

            "But…we are cousins, Rhian!" Soteira objected.

            "Third cousins."

            "That is irrelevant!"

            "The Prince Vegeta – what of him?"

            "He is rumored to be dead."

            "That's an old story."

            Soteira pushed Rhian away from her.

            "Marriage, Rhian…that is impossible!  My father…"

            "…Would be pleased," finished Rhian, "I already proposed the matter to him and he agrees with me that this match would be a great alliance between our two planets and bring tranquillity to the age-long wars that has been…"

            "I do not care about the Wars!" Soteira interrupted, her face flushing, "What matters is that I do not love you!"

            "Love me!" Rhian exclaimed, "Love me!  Does not the peace of Vegeta and Caelian matter more?  The Saiyajins on both sides are weary of fighting and do not want to continue…"

            "Let them continue!" Soteira's eyes were blazing, "Let them waste away!  The strongest will survive."

            Rhian looked shocked.

            "The blood of our strongest has been spilled…" he said, "What is the matter with you, Soteira?"

            She turned away from him, but in a glance, Rhian knew.  He backed away from her.

            "You joined the rebels," he said in a choked voice, "You're in a plot against your father and my father…"

            Soteira put on a weak and wry smile.

            "I was always against the monarchy."

            Rhian was nearly out of the room.

            "Strange that you are one of them," he said, and darted out.

            Soteira flew to the door and aimed.  One shot was all she required.  Rhian fell to the carpet, dead.  Soteira slammed the double doors and locked them once again.  She knew that few minutes would pass before Rhian's body and her guilt was found out.  Quickly, and rather unruffled, Soteira went to her bedroom and reached under the bed.  An already-packed suitcase was drawn out.  In two more minutes, the princess prepared herself for escape, and was flying out of the window in less than two minutes.  She joined a group of fellow rebel Saiyajins in the gardens and hurried away.

~

            Piccolo heaved a great breath as he stepped off the spaceship.  The smell of summer was breathed into his lungs and was well appreciated.  Trapped in a spaceship and breathing recycled air was not a treasured activity.  The Namekjin's feet touched the front lawn of Capsule Corporation and he walked a few steps before he heard the voice of Gohan crying with joy at the sight of his mother.  His mother, however, muffled her son's proclamations in a bone-crushing hug, and her father, in turn, crushed the both of them.  Bulma was heard chatting animatedly with her parents, talking as fast as she could about what happened on their adventures to Namek.

            Disinterested in the people behind him, Piccolo hovered a foot off the ground, his arms crossed and his face in a frown.  He was beginning to reacquaint himself with the earth beneath him when a streak of pain, minute as a pin, stabbed at him in the forehead.  Piccolo's eyes snapped open, his senses shaken.  The pain was gone.  Piccolo glanced over his shoulder.  Everyone was still animated, talking mindlessly about the experiences on Namek and gasping about it.  Piccolo frowned.

            _How strange…_

            The stab came again, but it was more acute and in his third eye.  Piccolo's eye twitched.

            _What is this?_

He glimpsed at the buildings around him, including Capsule Corp.  He noticed nothing unusual, and no one else seemed to notice anything else.  Piccolo's attention finally rested upon the faraway northern mountains on his upper left (eleven o'clock).  The pain came for a third time.  This time, the pain was like a thick cobbler needle, and it took to his neck.  Piccolo then shot off like an arrow before anyone noticed he was gone.

~

            Princess Soteira lay on the ground in agony.  Her limbs were twisted strangely and blood gushed.  Her pale face was smudged, her golden hair mangled, and her once fine eyes were dimming.  She smiled wryly as she thought of her fallen comrades, their parts aimlessly floating along with spaceship debris in space.  She recalled the shock of the swiftness of the attack of her father's fleet on the rebel spaceship and how her comrades' faces became contorted with fear as all systems failed to save them.  

Princess Soteira had, at one point, tried to communicate with her father, but her father did not reply.  Obviously, he held no more love for his daughter than he had for all dead children he had before, even though Soteira was the strongest of them all.  If only Soteira had been male, maybe he would have taken pity.  A son to carry out the war, the peace, and the kingdom.

_That's what he gets, Princess Soteira thought as another spasm of pain attacked her, __for stabbing Mother in the back!_

~

            Piccolo searched quickly and efficiently.  His tuning of chi did not sense any questionable levels of energy; therefore, his effort was fruitless.  His stabbing pains, however, grew more intense and more often, till the pain was a knifing heartbeat.  It had stabbed at different parts of his body, but lately had taken residence in Piccolo's heart.  The rhythm of the pain synchronized with his heartbeat, convulsing with every beat and torturing Piccolo every time he breathed.  The torment wreaked havoc with Piccolo's concentration until he found himself spiraling downwards into a thick part of some woods.

            The Namekjin landed on his feet, but collapsed to his knees, clutching his chest.  His breath was more ragged and labored, but the stabbing knew no pity.  It continued to intensify and it dragged Piccolo the stony ground.  He lay there, struggling to breathe and fight for his life.  He did not think of the woman who lay not ten feet away from him until the smell of blood caught his attention.

            Piccolo lifted his head, and the pain instantly halted.  Surprised, and suddenly lightheaded, Piccolo stood up and surveyed the scene.  To his upper right (one o'clock) was – 

            "A space pod!" Piccolo exclaimed in a half-whisper, "My god!"

            His gaze immediately shifted to a trail of blood from the spaceship.  The bloody footprints led to a little grassy furrow in the dirt-and-stone ground, where the body of a woman lay.  Piccolo's eyes widened slightly, but he swiftly flew to the woman's side.  His fingers went to her neck and then drew back.  His fingertips were stained with blood.  Piccolo checked the other injuries.

            _Her chi is weak, Piccolo thought as he began to gently pick her up with one arm, _Who is she?__

His gaze shifted to her face.  It was smudged with dirt and blood.  Nearly automatically, he wiped some of the dirt away, revealing freckles.  Then, the fact hit Piccolo that this woman was rather pretty.  His face suddenly flushed pink.  Another fact occurred to him: he had never held a woman in his arms before.  The Namekjin nearly dropped her in self-surprise.  When he caught her, he found something even more interesting.

            "A tail!"

            The tail was nearly severed from its owner, and it hung limply.  Piccolo took an immediate distrust for the woman (which would affect for a long time).  He cleanly cut off the tail, but took it with him as he flew up in the air to head back for Capsule Corp.

~

"Piccolo!" Gohan was jumping up and down as Piccolo landed for the second time on the front lawn of Capsule Corp, "We missed you, where have you…"

The small boy's jaw dropped to the ground.

"Oh…my…gosh…" Gohan's eyes bulged from their sockets as Piccolo silently strode past him, "Who…What…"

Piccolo walked through the tall front door and into the living room, where everyone sitting down and sipping tea.  They, too, like Gohan, dropped their jaws (and teacups) and widened their eyes when they saw the woman in Piccolo's arms.  After two seconds, Bulma sprung from her seat and shook her head, snapping herself from reverie.

"What happened?" she asked brusquely, assuming her brisk, business side of her personality.

Piccolo briefly and quickly explained things as Bulma led him to a joint emergency room.  The woman was quickly placed on an operating table and was examined by Doctor Briefs (Bulma's father) and Bulma.

"A Saiyajin," Bulma muttered, her eyes full of shock, but she struggled to keep her composure, "Just great."

In anger at the thought of more conquering Saiyajins, Bulma purposely straightened out the woman's broken leg too roughly, causing the woman to cry out in her unconsciousness.

"What are you doing," Piccolo demanded, putting his hand on Bulma's hand on the woman's leg, "You're…"

Bulma slipped her hand away from under his.

"You straighten her leg then," she replied agitatedly.

Piccolo flushed.

"Fine."

He straightened the leg.  The woman's eyes snapped open.

"What the hell," she croaked, "Is your hand doing on my leg?"

Piccolo instantly took his hands away.  He turned deep red.  The woman tried to sit up, but she cried out in pain and lay down again.

"Where am I?" she demanded, "Who are you?  What are you…"

"If we don't have any more limbs to straighten," interrupted Bulma, glancing at Piccolo to crack him a grin, "Then let's get her into the rejuvenation tank."

"Rejuvenation tank?" the woman's attention averted to a large machine across the room, "What?  How do you humans have such technology?  I thought…"

"Would you like to help, Piccolo?" Bulma teased, "Carry her, I mean."

Piccolo's blush deepened as he began to back out of the room.

"I need to meditate," he said, and fled the room.

The woman saw him disappear out the front door.  She looked at Bulma.

"Who is _he?"_

~ Chapter Two: The Blarney Stone ~

            The hours wore on.  The woman was healed and she could be found sitting on a settee silently reading a human-written novel.  Bulma was surprised at this.  She had, somehow, the impression that no Saiyajins read anything anyone else wrote and how the woman could understand the language was beyond her.  The woman ate what was given to her, but she had halted her questions of her state of being.  She did not speak anymore than she had to, but she had flatly refused to answer any of Bulma's questions or anything else regarding where she came from, etc. from other people.  

To Bulma, the woman seemed only interested in where Piccolo was and how he had come to find her.  Bulma told her all that Piccolo had told her, but the woman did not seem satisfied; so, she just sat on the settee and read, as if she was waiting for Piccolo to return to her and tell her something important.

"It would seem she's _interested in Piccolo," Bulma said to Chi Chi (Gohan's mother) privately in the kitchen, "Or __something."_

            "I don't trust her," Chi Chi replied curtly, "We should drug her."

            "She doesn't want anything else to drink or eat," Bulma said.

            "Don't you have sleeping gas or something?" Chi Chi suggested, "That doesn't smell?  Those Saiyajins have sharp noses."

            "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do," said Bulma, "I'll get it."

            The woman may had heard, but neither of the two other women knew, for when they returned with the gas, she was gone.

            "She's still got a broken arm and leg," said Bulma as she went to the window, "And a broken hand, four fingers, three toes, wrist, and foot."

            Chi Chi sighed.

            "Why didn't she break her neck?"

~

            Piccolo had seated himself in a cave near a waterfall.  Hours had worn by and he had not moved from his spot.  He meditated himself into a state when he could shut out everything else.  Right now, he was talking to Kami, (his grandfather's good half) and Nail about the woman.

Piccolo: _I don't understand the stabbing pain, Kami.  It started nearly immediately after I exited the spaceship and touched the ground.  The pain increased as I reached the northern mountains_

Kami: _Is this when you found the woman in question_

Piccolo: _Yes.  I fell to the ground and found her not ten feet away from where I lay_

Nail: _Where was the spaceship_

Piccolo: _Wedged in a tree.  It was a space pod, not unlike the models of Vegeta and Nappa's pods_

Nail: _This could mean another invasion_

Kami: _Or it could not.  Did you examine the pod_

Piccolo: _No.  I only glanced at it.  I expect Bulma and her father will examine the pod later_

Nail: _They might not find much_

Kami: _You should inspect the spaceship now, Piccolo – there may be an explanation of why you – particularly – had to find this woman_

Nail: _Probably because he's the only guy who **could carry her**_

Piccolo: _**She is not fat**_

Nail: _What_

Kami: _Enough.  Her measure of body fat does not account for Piccolo's heart pains_

Nail: _Even after all this time of being merged with you, Piccolo – I **still don't understand you**_

Piccolo: _Humph_

Kami: _Back to our original subject…  Piccolo, you must investigate the spaceship – before someone else finds it and messes about with whatever evidence may be in the pod_

Piccolo: "Right."

            The Namekian rose from his seat and flew out of the cave mouth.

~

            Princess Soteira took care to fly amongst the tops of the trees.  She was in the mountains again, in the very wood where she had fallen.  Her purpose was to find her ship.  When she arrived, however, at the location, she found a certain Namekjin already messing about.  He was – surprisingly – washing away the trail of blood from the ground.  Princess Soteira hovered above the ground and watched him with some fascination.  Her suspense, however, was suspended by her curiosity.

            "What are you doing?" she called out to Piccolo.

            Piccolo did not turn his head.  He had sensed her presence long before.

            "Your blood," he said, "it…unnerved me."

            She cocked her head, rather like a bird.

            "I thought Namekjins weren't afraid of such trivialities."

            "We aren't," he said quickly, "It's just you."

            "Just me?" the woman dared to fly a few feet towards him, "I am beginning to think that you must like me, Namekjin – or Piccolo, as that other woman told me."

            "Yes, my name is Piccolo," said Piccolo, his back still turned on her (and avoiding her statement), "That other woman is Bulma."

            "Odd name for a girl."

            The corner of Piccolo's mouth tugged into a small half-smile.

            _She says the word 'girl' like 'gel'._

"GIRL," Piccolo heard Princess Soteira say loudly.

            "I thought you could read my mind," said Piccolo.

            "Read your mind?" Princcess Soteira raised her eyebrow slightly; "I am not familiar with that phrase."

            "Then why…?"

            "I've always prided myself on being perfect," Soteira fingered her insignia ring, "I'm royal-born – so I try to pronounce words as they are to be pronounced.  I still slip up sometimes, though."

            _Typical Saiyajin, thought Piccolo, nearly rolling his eyes._

            "My father was the brother-in-law of King Vegeta.  My mother was sister to King Vegeta's queen.  I have had seven other brothers and sisters, but they are all dead now, and so is my mother."

            She paused.  Piccolo, for the first time, looked at her over his shoulder.  He thought she looked rather becoming in the soft sunlight coming through the pine trees.  She looked like one of those skinny models: blonde hair, sparkling eyes, and tall stature.  She did not have bony structure nor was her body overly voluptuous.  The woman possessed neither enormous bust nor anything that suggested plumpness.  In other words: nearly perfect.  Her freckles were not very flattering after all.  Piccolo turned back to his work.  Nearly all of the ghastly liquid was gone now.

            "Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?" Piccolo said, "Your Perfect Highness?"

            "How dare you," responded she, "Namekjins are always so rude."

            "Only I," replied Piccolo, "I will be courteous when I see fit."

            "I am royalty," she said haughtily, "And a beauty."

            "That is immaterial to my behavior."

            "My beauty may be, but you cannot ignore my blood."

            "Literally."

            "And expressively."

            "Certainly."

            "Therefore, you must address me by my proper title: Your Highness, Princess Soteira of…"

            "Soteira?  Is that your name?"

            "Yes, as you should know."

            "I do not think I would."

            "But you do."

            "Only because you said it."

            "Only because you asked."

            "Only because it reminds me of someone."

            "Who?"

            She seemed a little jealous, and Piccolo was pleased.

            "I did not think a princess of such high stature would be interested in the affairs of so base a peasant," said Piccolo smugly.

            He felt her chi rise slightly.  Piccolo straightened up, his work finished.

            "If you shall excuse me," he said, taking a mock bow, "I have pressing previous engagement to attend, Your Highness, Princess Soteira of Perfection."

            He turned towards the space pod, which was still wedged in the tree.  Princess Soteira flew forward.

            "Wait, that is my spaceship!"

            She put a hand on Piccolo's shoulder, restraining him.

            "Ouch!" she drew back her hand, "Damn, I forgot – my hand is broken."

            Piccolo went to the spaceship.

            "Stop!" Soteira cried, flying to him.

            He pivoted around and caught her by her shoulders.

            "Ouch!" she said, wincing, "The arm – that's broken, too."

            "What else is broken?" Piccolo raised an eyebrow arch.

            She gave a ready account.

            "You should have stayed at Capsule Corp."

            "I wanted to see you."

            "Why?"

            "Did you feel pain before you found me?"

            "Yes – what did you do?"

            "I had nothing to do with your pain."

            "Then why did it only stop when I found you?"

            "First, where did you feel the first stab of pain?"

            Piccolo paused to think.

            "My forehead," he said after a few seconds.

            "Then it is true," said Soteira.

            "What?"

            She looked at him, and her eyes were glazed and dull.

            "You've been poisoned."

~

            Bulma pulled a pair of goggles off her face and shook her head.

            "I am absolutely bewildered," she remarked to Piccolo, "I have never seen any poison such as this.  The structure of the poison is fascinating – it's rather like a virus, only…"

            "How long before I die?" Piccolo's question was directed at Soteira, who was hovering above the ground.

            "Die?  Are you jesting?" Soteira said, "This is not a fatal poison, if that is your question."

            "What does it do, then?" Piccolo demanded.

            Soteira shrugged.

            "I do not know – the poison has been attributed to anything from internal bleeding to incurable diseases."

            She took a deep breath and named as many diseases Piccolo could be inflicted with.  Bulma gaped at her.

            "That's gotta be blarney!  I've never even heard of those diseases!"

            "Foreign diseases," Soteira said, "You only become inflicted by sharp contact with this stone."

            Soteira took off her insignia ring and showed it to Bulma.  Bulma took a loupe and examined it.

            "It's a beautiful ring," Bulma commented, handing it back to Soteira, "What's it called?"

            _"Nurtha-chysos-sri," Soteira replied, uttering Saiyajin tongue, "The first two words are 'Naenia-Nessos' in ancient Saiyajin high-priest dialect…"_

            _"Sri," Piccolo repeated, "That's Namekjin…"_

            "…For 'poison'," finished Soteira, "The stone is commonly called 'Nessos', because of…"

            "Never mind the name," Bulma said, throwing her hands up in the air, "Where does it come from?"

            "Origin is obscure," said Soteira, "It's like a plant, really.  When in the right type of rock, veins grow in masses.  Commercially, the stone is hardly deadly, usually because of poor quality.  The best stones are grown in specially selected locations on such planets as Vegeta, Namek, and few others, and the stone can be fatal by merely scratching skin."

            "Oh," Bulma said, suddenly checking her hands for scratches, "Um…"

            "Cure?" Piccolo asked.

            "None," said Soteira.

            Piccolo was stunned, but he struggled for composure.

            "Ah," he said, then a little shaken, "I'll have to tell Kami."

~

            Piccolo meditated, conversing with Kami and Nail in his mind while Bulma harassed Soteira with questions about the Nessos stone.  Most of the questions were meaningless, some of them involved how the stone was grown, etc.  Soon enough, Bulma wanted to plant and harvest her own garden of Nessos.

            "Do you banter?" Soteira asked, both of her eyebrows shooting up, "You want to grow Nessos?"

"If we grow some," Bulma argued, "I'll be able to study the stone and perhaps create a cure – since you won't let me cut up your ring."

"I have just narrated the dangers of…"

            "I'll wear gloves," cut in Bulma, waving her hand, "Extra thick."

            Soteira drew in her breath.

            "I suppose…" she began.

            "It's settled!" Bulma whooped, "How long will it take to grow?"

            "It depends on the rock," said Soteira dryly.

            "Okay.  How 'bout the northern mountain rock?"

            "A decent quality – two years for a good crop."

            "We should look around a bit," suggested Bulma, "Just pick me up and we'll fly around."

            "Royalty do not carry the peasantry," said Soteira stiffly.

            Bulma scowled, but Piccolo smiled with his eyes closed.

            "I'll just go by myself," said Soteira, flying a little towards the door.

            "I don't tr---" started Bulma, but Piccolo rose from his seat.

            "I don't trust her, either," said Piccolo, taking Soteira's arm, "I'll take her, Bulma."

            Bulma grinned, Piccolo blushed, and Soteira scowled.

            "I will not be escorted by…" she began, but Piccolo gave her a shove towards the door.

            "Let's go, Princess."

            When the two were safely outside, Princess Soteira whirled around (still hovering) and glared at Piccolo.

            "I refuse to be seen with a lowly peasant," she spat at him.

            Piccolo crossed his arms and looked down at her.__

            "I will be a footman, then," he said.

            She snorted.

            "Footmen attend to the horses," she said.

            "You are no horse," said Piccolo.

            "Neigh," she replied sarcastically.

            "Ah!  You are after all," Piccolo said, and swept her off her feet and threw her over his shoulder.

            "Ouch!" Soteira shrieked, "My broken bones!  I order you to put me down, or you will suffer the consequences!  This is not dignified!"

            Piccolo flew up in the air.

            "Be quiet, my 'sweet little mare'," Piccolo chastised, "Horses aren't supposed to talk."

            "Neither are asses," promptly responded she, "They bray such light nonsense."

            "Not so light for you to catch!  Their talk is heavy as it should be."

            "Heavy!  Pregnant with their jabber."

            "Women!  Pregnant with mistake!"

            "How dare you with your wit!"

            "'Tis from my father tongue."

            "A witty father!  Witless else his son."

            "What?  Am I not wise?"

            "Yes, keep you warm."

            "Ah!  Here is a mountain."

            Piccolo flew down to the foot of an active volcano.  He did not release Soteira, but handed her a sample of rock.  She fingered it, then tossed it aside.

            "It is good," she remarked, "One year."

            Piccolo mentally marked the location of the volcano in his mind as he and Soteira traveled from place to place.  More than half the time, the quality of rock was 'poor' or 'intolerable'.  Others were 'somewhat lacking' or 'sufferable, but lacking strength'.  After some time, Piccolo took Soteira under seas to examine submerged volcanoes, canyons, and mountains.  Most of them hardly fared better than their dry counterparts.

            "That last one, the Marianna Trench," commented Soteira when she and Piccolo were returning to Capsule Corporation, "Why did we not…Is something the matter?"

            She had felt his chi waver.  Piccolo wiped his forehead.

            "I feel…rather…tired…" he yawned, "I must…rest…"

            "We are in midair!" objected Soteira, "You are carrying me!  And I – surely – cannot carry you!"

            "I…must…"

            Piccolo's heavy eyelids drooped, then shut.  He began to plunge towards earth.  Soteira did not hesitate.  She freed herself from his grasp and flew beneath him.  With her good arm, Soteira quickly constructed a net made out of chi.  She netted Piccolo with this, and, with great effort, carried him in the net back the miles to Capsule Corp.

~

            Three days had passed since Soteira and Piccolo's flight around the world.  Piccolo lay slumbering in a guest bedroom, and Gohan had reported that Kami was asleep in his tower.  Both seemed to experience nightmares, for they screamed and cried in their sleep, clawing at unseen enemy.  They also muttered unintelligible words and chants in their frenzy.  The only clear phrase they ever uttered, which was always at their worst and most intense moments, was a desperate, pleading, tearing _"Somebody help me!"_  In vain did everyone attempt to wake the two Namekjins.  Nothing could stir them from their constant torment.  

On the first night, Bulma had plunged a Nessos-stone dagger (from Soteira) into the side of a suitable volcano.  Since then, she worked day and night to care for her poisonous garden.  Her first pebble had sprung by the third day, which spurred the intelligent scientist to harder hours and more deprived sleep.  There was not a moment when she was not babbling scientific equations or spurting out horticultural-geological-growing questions for Soteira.

            Soteira, who had said countless times that the growing of Nessos stones was actually a rather simple, but time-and-energy-consuming process, felt plagued and tiresome of the inquiries.  She took to hiding her chi and concealing her person when Bulma approached.  Many a time Bulma recruited others hanging around to find Soteira in a mock game of hide-and-seek.

Soteira often felt an urge to visit Piccolo's room and just gaze upon his face.  She resisted her whims, however, for her pride prevented such associations with the lower orders.  Instead, she observed the Namekjin tossing and turning in his nightmares from the safety of a tree (placed at poor angle) outside his window.  She dared not hover by the window, lest be tempted to enter the room itself.  

"She's grown wane and thin," Mrs. Briefs remarked to Bulma on the fifth day of Piccolo's slumber, "I wish she'd eat more.  She was skinny before; but now, she's an absolute stick!"

"She's probably feeling guilty that she poisoned Piccolo," said Bulma, swallowing some bitter coffee, "What else could it be?"

"What?  Purposely poisoning Piccolo?  No such thing!" argued Mrs. Briefs.

Bulma rolled her eyes.

"You're too trusting, Mother.  You even trust Vegeta!"

"Well…"

"Anyway, I think that Soteira poisoned Piccolo.  He's the strongest now that Goku and Vegeta are…"

"But I thought Gohan was the strongest now."

Bulma stopped in mid-sip.

"Ye-e-es," Bulma said, "Technically, that could be true…"

"So it couldn't be that Soteira poisoned Piccolo!" said Mrs. Briefs happily.

"Maybe, maybe not," Bulma protested, "I don't trust Soteira.  She possesses the only Nessos stones to poison anyone: pins, jewelry, weaponry…"

"Coincidence," Mrs. Briefs said.

"Or not," said Bulma, sipping her coffee.

~

            Outside the kitchen, Soteira quickly retraced her steps back to the front door.  Unbeknownst to Bulma and her mother, the princess had heard every word in the exchange.  Soteira had never approved of eavesdropping before, but Bulma, proud owner of a bossy and commanding personality, possessed an exceedingly loud voice; therefore, Soteira could not help but hear Bulma's words as the princess passed by the kitchen.  

At first, she was a little shocked.  Literally, she wanted to injure Bulma – in any way possible, as long as Bulma felt pain.  

_How dare she talk of her superior in this manner!_

Then, after thinking about it, Soteira decided that the situation be best dealt with while sitting in the tree outside Piccolo's window.  

_Mayhap the footman will awake – and save me the trouble of punishing that lowly maidservant._

That always calmed her.

~

            At nearly three in the morning, Piccolo awoke from his slumber.  Everyone was asleep then.  Well, almost everyone: Soteira had stayed in the tree since the early afternoon.  She was then the first to attend to Piccolo.

            "Footman," she said at his bedside.

            "Princess," replied he, sitting up, "I had not the pleasure."

            He took her hand and kissed it.  Shocked, Soteira drew back her hand.

            _How dare he kiss my hand!_

            "So courteous," she said icily, immediately suspicious of the glint in his eyes, "What is wrong with you?"

            "I'm fine," replied an oily voice that was not Piccolo's voice, "I feel – refreshed."

            The Namekjin pulled away the covers.  He was wearing only a pair of pants.  Soteira's cheeks tinged pink.  The Namekjin now stood, in Soteira's opinion, a little too close to her royal personage.  She took a step back.  He stepped forward.  His leering obsidian-colored eyes made the princess more than uneasy.

            "You're awfully gorgeous," he said, tilting his head like a bird's, "Why do you step away?  I have always thought you have had always a fancy for me."

            "Prudence directs me to select alternate courses," replied she.

            "Prudence," mused the Namekjin, "Prudence…"

            Soteira slipped away towards the window.  The other grasped her arm.

            "Ouch," she winced, "That arm is still broken."

            He released her.

            "I forgot."

            She gave him disproving look.

            "I see."

            She was nearly outside the window now.  The Namekjin was at the window now, leaning in towards her.  He still had a very un-Piccolo-like expression.

            "You will return, won't you, Prudence?" said the Namekjin, "I do enjoy – no, require – your presence."

            There was a hint of a scowl on the princess's face.

            "Footmen do not order royalty about," she said with finality.

            He tried to kiss her, but she flew out the window and hovered in air just out of his reach.

            "I shall come and go as I please," said Soteira, crossing her arms stubbornly.

            "Oh, Prudence," replied the other, "You are…"

            "A footman's word could never flatter me."

            She turned away and flew into the night.

~ Chapter Three: About a Namekjin ~

            The Namekjin watched the princess become enveloped by the darkness.  He had a smile of his very own.  He hummed an impromptu song to himself as he dressed.

_A sword, a sword has been sharpened_

_A sword, a sword has been spent_

_A sword to work slaughter, this great sword of slaughter_

_Who wields the weapon?_

_Who wields the dawn?_

_A lady has appeared, a princess daughter_

_She strikes down all around_

_The air strewn with sound_

_Of many who fall to the great sword of slaughter_

            A knock fell upon the door.

            "Mister Piccolo, sir?" someone's voice could be heard, "Are you awake?  I thought I heard a noise."

            A short boy of six or seven years of age entered the room.  His hairs on his were black and neatly trim; his eyes round and black; and his face of boyish proportions.  This was Gohan (one of Piccolo closest friends).  He looked up at earnestly his former teacher.

            "Oh, you're awake!" Gohan said, his eyes shining, "I'm glad.  You've been asleep for five days – six, if you include today.  It's three in the morning."

            "Thank you for telling me," replied the other, then paused before adding, "Gohan."

            "Are you okay?" Gohan asked, "You seemed to have nightmares in your sleep.  Kami, too."

            The other hesitated for one second.

            "I was fine.  It was probably the stone."

            "Well, I'm glad you're feeling better.  Do you want anything to eat?  Or drink, maybe?"

            "Um, yes, of course.  Water."

            "Okay.  I'll tell Bulma you're up."

            "That is fine."

            Gohan shut the door.  He paused, however, before descending a flight of stairs, and looked over his shoulder at the door to Piccolo's room.

            "I guess…it's all right now."

            The boy fetched the glass of water.

~

            "Well, everything appears normal."

            Bulma lifted her head from a microscope.  She had just finished examining a sample of blood.

            "No mutations, no signs of an integrated virus…" Bulma continued, "I'm beginning to believe that poison stone stuff was just blarney."

            "Then blarney it is," agreed the Namekjin sitting on the operation table, "Some poison stone that turned out to be."

            Bulma began to put away her medical equipment.

            "Then I guess there's no need for my Nessos garden," she said, "But it's _such _a pretty stone."

            The Namekjin (still not wearing a shirt) got off the operating table and stood awfully close to Bulma.  She didn't seem to notice him behind her.

            "Indeed it is," said the Namekjin, sniffing Bulma's hair, "Mmm…flowers."

            "No, it wouldn't look very good with flowers," said Bulma, turning around, "They'd…oh, excuse me, Piccolo, you're in the way."

            She pushed past him and started to clean the microscope slides in a sink.

            "You see, it's a gray-colored gemstone.  There is no such thing as a gray-colored gemstone.  Well, anyway, gray doesn't go well with flowers.  No, wait, I take that back.  It'd go well with bluish flowers, like those orchids I saw the other day in the grocery store…"

            Bulma turned around to find the Namekjin standing close to her again.

            "What's up with you, Piccolo?" she said, becoming aggravated, "Go put a shirt on."

            "I'm…" began the Namekjin, but Bulma yawned.

            "Geez, I'm tired.  I'm going to bed."

            She exited the room, switching the lights off.

            "It's nice to have you awake, Piccolo," she called, "Goodnight – or, morning."

            The sounds of her footsteps could be heard down the hall.  The Namekjin poked his head out of the room, watching Bulma in the dark.

            "Dumb she is, poor gel (girl)," said the Namekjin, "I shall have to show her what I intend to do."

            He followed Bulma to her bedroom.

~

            Soteira hugged her knees and watched the lights of the city flicker and shine from the safety of her leafy perch.  She had not flown far from Capsule Corporation, but there was enough distance between her and the strange Namekjin not to come into contact.  Now, the princess pondered about Piccolo – or whoever he was – and his sudden change in personality.

            "He remembers his manners," she mused, "In my opinion, not the Piccolo I know.  Piccolo would, of course, _know his manners, but he would hardly act upon them (or mayhap he _did_ act upon them).  He has that sort spirit about…"_

            She shook her head.

            "I digress from the subject.  I must not daydream…  The Namekjin tries to kiss my royal personage.  That is a grave offense – and Piccolo would not dare – that is a second point.  Thirdly, the look playing about his features is not of Piccolo's characteristics, unless I am very much mistaken in the fact that Namekjins are asexual.  Fourthly…no, perhaps not."

            Soteira shifted her position.  She took to sitting upon a tree branch with her ankles crossed instead.

            "Now, the possibilities: 1.) Piccolo is actually fine, but is temporarily out of his senses; 2.) The Nessos stone has 'screwed' his a-sexuality; 3.) Piccolo is in the right mind, but is feeling, shall I say, puckish? 4.) Bulma injected some sort of Earthling medicine into Piccolo's system (How dares she!  And without my permission!); 5.)  Kami's fault; 6.) Nail's fault; 7.) Outside forces are at their devious work."

            Soteira leaned on the branch.  She was feeling awfully tired to think about it.

~

Notes:

1.) Pronunciation of Names: 

Soteira – SEW / TEAR / UH.  

Coincidentally, 'Soteira' is another name for the Greek goddess Athena, who was not only the goddess of wisdom, but of cunning and clever military planning.

Rhian – RYAN or RYE / HAN, however you wish.  I do not care particularly for this name.

Caelian – KAW / EL / LI / AHN.

Coincidentally

2.) Third Eye (Second Scene) – this term is not applied literally to Piccolo.  The term refers to the area that is between one's two eyes, just before the nose starts.  Pinching this area is supposed to relax oneself or stop tears (the author has not applied this method to either instance, and therefore cannot verify the truth of either situation).

3.) Gel – with a hard 'g' (such as 'gorgeous').

4.) Gemstones do not grow like plants.  They take years to form, due to the slow process of nature and its forces.

5.) Marianna Trench – (am not sure of the spelling) is the deepest oceanic trench in the world.  The trench is located in the Pacific Ocean.

6.) Credits to Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew" and the movies "Shrek" and "If the Shoe Fits".


	2. Between a Devil and an Angel: 5 Chapters

Notes: have renamed Roshi's sister. I don't know her name; therefore, I rename her Hechizar. Sounds like a sneeze, no?

~ Chapter Four: The Princess and the Pea ~

Vegeta emerged from his space pod, stretching and yawning.

"What time is it?" he barked crankily at the space pod computer.

"3:04am," replied the computer in a boring, monotone voice.

"Everyone is asleep," said Vegeta, looking up at the dome of Capsule Corporation, "Good. I can…"

The eruption of piercing screams cut his talk short. Vegeta did not hesitate. He immediately blasted a hole in a wall of Capsule Corporation and rapidly followed the screams to their source: Bulma's bedroom. The Saiyajin prince barged through the unlocked door. His eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up.

**_"NAMEKJIN!!!" _**he roared at the top of his lungs.

The Namekjin and Bulma were found in a not-so-orthodox position. Bulma (the one who screamed) was lying upside-down and nearly falling off her bed. The Namekjin held her foot and had been in the process of undo Bulma's buttoned pink pajamas. At the sight of Vegeta, Bulma gave a small shriek of happiness, and in doing so slipped off the bed and onto the floor. The Namekjin blinked a few times, as if measuring the extent of Vegeta's anger at seeing Piccolo caught in a bedroom with Bulma. Bulma leapt up from the floor and starting talking as fast as she could to a silently fuming Vegeta.

"Piccolo got infected with the poisonous stone or that's what this Saiyajin princess who came along whatshername Soteira (whom I think is a real snob you Saiyajins are all the same, blah blah blah) said and personally I think she poisoned Piccolo but anyway Piccolo's been asleep for the past week while I tried to grow a stone called Nessos which is the poisonous stone by the way and I thought I could cure him that way but Piccolo's only just woke up not half an hour ago and I just examined him and he seems to be fine except that he's just tried to molest me just now…"

Bulma took a big gulp of air. She did not seem to notice that Vegeta had not listened to one word she said. The Prince of Saiyajins had been maintaining a steady, seething gaze of utterly silent fury at the insanely grinning Namekjin across the room. Bulma prepared to continue to her explanation, but Vegeta spoke first.

"You! Namekjin!" Vegeta thundered, "_YOU DARE TO TOUCH THE WENCH!!"_

There was an emphasis on 'wench' that Bulma did not particularly care for; and, her face quite clearly displayed her reaction.

"Hey!" she objected, "The 'wench' hates being called…"

"The clumsy-footed, blue-haired, dumb-headed harlot here," Vegeta continued, "Is not to be touched! That is _by imperial decree of the Vegeta, Prince of the Saiyajins of Planet Vegeta._ Do – you – understand – what – I – am – saying!?"

There was a distinctly incandescent aura emitting from Vegeta, a sure sign of his wrath. The Namekjin, however, was calm and had not moved an iota since Vegeta first entered the room.

"WELL?" Vegeta demanded, not used to being so coolly ignored.

The Namekjin got off the bed. Bulma scooted behind Vegeta, but watched the Namekjin with watchful eyes. The Namekjin took no notice of Bulma, but carelessly brushed past her and Vegeta. He only paused a moment before disappearing down the hall.

"Wanker."

Vegeta clenched his fist, his chi already forming an attack.

~

Soteira's eyes, previously shut, shot open. A flooding input of powerful chi overwhelmed her senses. She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes again, trying to quickly process the information. Some minutes lapsed before the princess reopened her eyes. She sprung from her perch and flew towards the yellow dome of Capsule Corporation, now a glowing orange in the dawning sun. 

As soon as Soteira was past the trees, she beheld an uncommon scene. Vegeta, his armor shattered and his clothes torn, was being barraged with a flurry of fists by the supposedly superior Namekjin. Soteira instantly recognized Vegeta, whom she already knew to be the Saiyajin Prince of Vegeta.

__

The prince? What is he doing here?

Soteira hurriedly flew to his aid, but the fight ended before she came. The Namekjin, upon seeing her person, fled, but for what reason, that was uncertain. Vegeta, lying on the ground, did not care for either reason. He was more concerned with Soteira, who was standing in front of him.

_"Princess Soteira!?"_ he yelled hoarsely, "The Princess of [Planet] Caelian!"

Vegeta's eyes were so wide that they looked ready to fall out of his head. Bulma's jaw dropped.

"A princess! You never told us you were _royalty!"_

Soteira gave Bulma a rather disdainful expression.

"I would have expected you peasants to realize this fact," Soteira, "Given that I have tried to order you about in the usual manner of a princess."

"I thought that was just the way all Saiyajins acted!" Bulma claimed, but Vegeta pushed her aside.

The Saiyajin Prince gave Soteira a short, but courteous bow. Soteira returned it with an equally brusque curtsy. Bulma kept averting back and forth between them, her eyes eventually becoming wide enough to see all the whites of her eyes.

"Well," said Vegeta directly to Soteira, "With that courtesy done, Princess Soteira, let us to pursue the rogue that has so badly offended (I assume) the both of us. You shall do your part to accompany me, no? Also, please do tell of your coming here whilst we take our journey."

Soteira offered her arm, and Vegeta took it.

"Wait a second!" Bulma shouted, her eyebrow twitching, "What the heck is going on! Vegeta, you pea-brain!!"

She glared at Vegeta, who merely stared at Bulma.

"Why all the manners, huh!" Bulma demanded, "You two aren't – you know – an item or something!"

"We were betrothed," Vegeta replied curtly.

"WHAT!? WHY!?"

Neither prince nor princess answered. They were already flying after the Namekjin.

~ Chapter Five: Goin' to the Chapel ~

In the front of a chapel just outside of the city, a young couple was dashing across the silvery-sprinkled front lawn to reach the front door of small cottage. The man, whose hair was green and spiky and his eyes an electric blue, rapped rapidly on the wooden door. He was sweating and was exceedingly nervous. The girl, whose hand was clutched tightly in his, was tugging her bright pink hair and her equally glistening pink eyes were vividly portraying _her _agitation.

"Jito," she whispered loudly to her beau, "Is he coming? Is he here? Oh my god, I hope…"

"No one will catch us," Jito reassured his love, "It's not even dawn yet. Besides you, me, and Father Jone, not a soul shall disturb our wedding."

The girl nodded her assent. Just then, the front door opened, revealing a rather youthful man with a cheery face and Irish eyes. He looked upon the couple with astonishment.

"Jito, Futomi," he said, "Good evening. I did not expect to receive you at such an early hour. I was just at my prayers when…"

"Father Jone," said Jito, squeezing Futomi's hand, "Futomi and I wish to wed immediately."

"Now? At this hour? Would you not prefer the usual, grand ceremony of matrimony?"

"No," said Futomi, "We don't need all that. And…"

Futomi's eyes lowered. The priest nodded.

"I understand," he said, "I'll get my things. Where would you like the ceremony?"

"Just out here is fine," said Jito (who was fidgeting), "On the steps of the chapel."

"I'll turn on the light then."

In less than ten minutes, everything was ready. Futomi had spontaneously knit two crowns of flowers, which were linked by a braid of borrowed ribbon from Father Jone. The crowns were placed aloft the heads of the couple. The couple stood on the steps of the chapel, half-hidden by darkness. Father Jone stood atop the steps of the chapel, changed into his proper vestments and his red hair afire from the glow of a single electric light. Father Jone raised his gloved hands to begin the ceremony when a sudden, puzzled expression leapt to his eyes.

"Where are the witnesses?" he asked in bewilderment.

Jito raised an eyebrow.

"Witnesses? What about witnesses?"

"Every marriage – or, most, as far as I know – needs witnesses to authenticate the marriage. This is done in order for legal authorities to validate the marriage, because of certain laws…"

"Yes, yes, I understand," said Jito quickly, "But we don't have any witnesses. We're eloping, so I thought…"

"Then, we have problem."

All three persons were silent. That is, until Futomi burst into tears.

"We'll n-never get m-married!" she sobbed, "W-we c-can't-t j-just s-sneak out again!"

She looked at Father Jone with pleading eyes.

"Are you sure you don't have a deacon or somebody with you?" Jito inquired.

Father Jone shook his head regretfully.

"Not a soul," he said, "It's a pity it isn't Tuesday – the garbage man might have come along."

Futomi howled with her tears.

"Pity," Jito spoke bitterly.

~ Chapter Six: Them and the Man of the Cloth ~

Soteira and Vegeta wasted no time in the appliance of their sharp Saiyajin senses. Then they sooner traced the whereabouts of the Namekjin to a small chapel just outside of the city. The Namekjin hovered just over the chapel, smirking at the couple. The couple took his challenge, and Vegeta volunteered to fight first. The Saiyajin Prince then demonstrated his recently achieved form of Super Saiyajin. This new form did not amaze the Namekjin, but it dumfounded a priest, a girl, and a boy standing on the steps of the chapel.

"What the…" Jito's eyes were so wide that they looked ready to fall out of his head, "Amazing! They're flying around in the air! And of them has golden hair!"

Father Jone crossed himself.

"That man with the golden hair personifies Lucifer himself," muttered Father Jone.

Futomi gasped.

"A green alien!" she pointed at the Namekjin, "He has antenna!"

Futomi turned to Jito.

"What should we do?"

"Personally, I'd like to call the press," said Jito automatically, "But watching them fight it out is far more interesting…And our wedding, besides."

Futomi's eyes lit up.

"Why don't we ask them to be the witnesses!" Futomi exclaimed.

"WHAT?" burst out Father Jone, "Ask the Devil-lookalike to witness holy matrimony?"

"Well, yeah," said Jito, nodding at Futomi.

Father Jone blanched.

"Well…if you can get them to stop wrecking the trees…"

"Fine," said Jito.

The boy released his sweetheart's hand and went over the threesome.

"Excuse me," Jito spoke loudly.

"Move!" Vegeta elbowed Jito 

A few more minutes past before Jito caught his breath.

**_"OI!" _**Jito shouted.

Soteira (who wasn't fighting) shot Jito an annoyed look.

"Can't you see we're busy," she said, looking Jito up and down, "Peasant."

"Could you, if you please, be witnesses to mine and my fiancé's wedding?" Jito said politely (and ignoring Soteira's comment), "We could just pop over there and be done with it in a few min…"

"We have no time for such triviality!" Soteira snapped, "Now shove off before we throw you in a tree!"

"Well!" Jito said.

He returned to Futomi and Father Jone. Father Jone shook his head when Jito related the story. Futomi burst into tears again.

"We'll never be married!" she shrieked, "I've always dreamed of marrying you and having a life and hearing the sounds of little Adders tromping around the wooden floors of our little cottage on a hill in the country…Waaaah!"

"Adder?" said a voice, "What sort of a name is _that_?"

"It's my last name," explained Jito, turning towards the speaker, "We…"

His eyes widened.

"You!"

Soteira looked rather irked.

"Well, I _was_ going to help you so I can return to the fight as fast as possible," she said, then looking at Futomi, "But then after what I have heard from this simpering little ninny, I am not sure I want to…"

"Oh, come off it, Prudence," the green alien appeared behind the lady and grabbed her waist, "You know how much I love weddings…"

He blew into her ear. She threw him a disgusted expression and elbowed him away.

"…And I love french-kissing skunks," she replied.

"Oh, me, too," the Lucifer figure sprung from the shadows, "No, really…"

"How rude!" Soteira's face darkened, "You must have been desperate while I was away…"

"Oh, I was," (Vegeta) said, putting his hand on Soteira's stomach and his mouth close to her ear, "You know that housemaid with the freaky aquamarine hair? She cannot seem to get used to all the attention I give her, and you know the last time we…"

"EXCUSE ME," Father Jone spoke up, "You are to be the witnesses to our wedding?"

"Sure," said the green alien, pushing Vegeta aside and took Soteira by the waist, "As long as you'll do one more…"

"Excuse _me_," Soteira took a giant step away from him.

"Excuse me," Vegeta said, stepping between them and taking Soteira's hand, "But we're engaged."

"Ahem!" Jito cleared his throat, "Can we get a move on? Our parents might know what Futomi and I are…"

"Okay, then," Father Jone raised his hands and to begin the ceremony.

"Wait!" Futomi spoke up.

Father Jone took in a sharp breath.

"What is it now?" the priest asked little irritably.

"Rings!" Futomi said, "I was going to bring some, but I forgot…"

"We can do without rings," said Jito.

"No, we can't!" Futomi was getting hysterical, "Oh, no, the Fates are against us! We shall…"

"Oh, shut up, you stupid cow," snapped Soteira, reaching for a couple rings on her fingers.

She slipped off two platinum rings with clusters of brilliant-cut diamonds on them. Jito, Futomi, and Father Jone's eyes all simultaneously shot open.

"Hang on!" Jito snatched one of the rings away from Soteira and examined it, "My god! These are _platinum!"_

"And, are those genuine diamonds!" Futomi gaped in utter awe.

Soteira and Vegeta gave twin smirks.

"Pocket change."

~ Chapter Seven: The Prayer ~

With all vows said and done, Jito and Futomi fled off for a happy life somewhere in the Bahamas. Jito made jewelry and Futomi bred many Adders, most of whom stomped around the wooden-floored house in bare feet and screeching their throats hoarse playing "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." They turned out very happy.

Meanwhile, the Namekjin somehow slipped away just before the ceremony ended. Vegeta and Soteira tracked him to a maze of caves, but they did not bother to flush him out. They knew they would fight him another day anyway, so they wandered around the northern mountain forests and talked over the lives before their parting. Soteira told Vegeta about her conspiracy against her father and how she had planned to overthrow the monarchy and establish what humans called 'constitutional monarchy' or something of the kind. Vegeta hardly approved of her activities, and told her so. The princess then tactfully changed the subject, instead of her normal bashing-his-head-in reaction. Vegeta then told Soteira about his travels to Namek, to a remote meteor, and achieving Super Saiyajin.

"Super Saiyajin!" Soeira exclaimed, "I saw you in that form – can any Saiyajin do that?"

"Sure," Vegeta replied, "Goku – that third class idiot – managed to obtain the form by merely training in fifty times the gravity of Earth."

"I want to be Super Saiyajin," Soteira replied automatically, "Teach me."

"What?" Vegeta halted walking.

"Teach me," demanded Soteira in a louder voice, "You did it, Goku did it, now I want to. So…"

"Now hold on," Vegeta said, grabbing her shoulders, "I think it only seems appropriate that…"

"…Only _males_ do this?" snorted Soteira, "Sure. Like _I_ would believe that gobbledegook."

"I know you too well," muttered Vegeta.

"And I do, too," Soteira replied, and kissed him.

~

Bulma had prepared lunch by the time Vegeta and Soteira returned to Capsule Corporation. Bulma, of course, demanded plenty of explanation, and most of it was given. Then came lunch, and then some friends came over: Chi Chi, Roshi, Roshi's turtle, Oolong, Puar, Ox King, and Gohan. More explanations were given, and to much consternation, Soteira was introduced and Vegeta was reintroduced. Much fuss took much time to die down before Bulma finally introduced plans for the future.

"Chi Chi, please shut your mouth and listen," Bulma pleaded, "No, I haven't heard anything from Goku and I'm sure he'll be back before you know it. No, Vegeta's already told you he hasn't heard anything either…Okay, now everyone…"

"Hey there, gorgeous," Roshi said to Soteira, "I don't believe we've been properly introduced…"

"Now that we've all been acquainted with Piccolo's disease," continued Bulma (who shot a side glance at Soteira), "And its origin, let's look over the possibilities of what has made him different…"

Bulma went over the same conclusions Soteira had come to, only in much greater and confusing details. Meanwhile…

Roshi: "Your miniskirt, it's really short…A custom brand…Hot pink…Chadnes, if I'm not mistaken, costing $698…"

Soteira: "It's from Bulma's closet, costing 50 cents for washing and drying it, now what do you want, you smelly little…"

Roshi: "Well I was just wondering – Mmm, you smell nice – if I could, well, look…*drool*…at your magnificent chest?"

Soteira: "…"

Roshi (taking her silence as a 'yes', leans in forward): "Ooh…"

Soteira: (slaps him so hard he flies across the room): "No, you may not."

Roshi (gets up, teeters): "…Ouch."

"…And," Bulma said, her monologue finally finished, "With those laid out, what do you think is the most likely possibility?"

Everyone stared at her, open-eyed.

"Well?" Bulma said.

"I think," said Roshi (who recovers quickly), "That your lacy brazier from Victoria's Secret is quite lovely, my…"

Roshi flew across the room again, this time getting stuck upside-down in a very small trashcan. Bulma took in a few deep breaths.

"As funny as the man who stuck out an unprintable body part, stood at the end of a hall, and pretended to be the door," said Bulma, trying to control herself.

Roshi giggled from the trash can.

"Roshi, that wasn't meant to be funny," said Bulma, "But then again, you'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy."

Everyone cracked up. It was some time before Bulma could speak again.

"Right," she said, "Now what do you think?"

"I think," said Vegeta, "You like a bird who's just swallowed a plate."

"WHAT?" Bulma said.

"But you do," said Vegeta, "What do you call that?"

"What?" said Bulma, touched a very large ruff around her neck, "Oh, it's my new ruff. And I see you've noticed my newest hat – it's called 'Birds Flock Together'. They're the latest fashions."

She struck a little pose.

"Don't you think I look attractive?" she asked Vegeta in a seductive voice.

"To another plate-swallowing bird, sure," said Vegeta, "Who's just been struck blind."

"HUH!?" Bulma flushed a deep red, then turned to her mother (who had just come into the room), "Ah, Mother…"

"What do you think of the housemaid's new uniform?" Soteira asked Bulma's mother.

"Well," said Bulma's mother carefully, "I think she looks like a bird that's swallowed a plate."

"AGH!" Bulma screamed, "_Mother!_ Do _try_ to think! Thinking is _so_ important, _so what do you think_?"

Bulma's mother took a moment to reflect.

"I think that thinking is _so_ important," she said, then immediately took leave.

Bulma rushed to the kitchen to swallow some pills. By the time she had gotten back, Soteira had taken over the operations and was explaining to everyone just exactly what had happened to Piccolo.

"Possession is, therefore, the most likely," she said, summarizing her presentation, "The possibilities for a cure are: 1.) We fight the demon into submission; 2.) We force the demon out of his body by beating Piccolo to nearly death; 3.) Find a witch to cast a spell over Piccolo; 4.) Scratch Piccolo with another piece of Nessos stone and perform some alternative then.

"Um," said Gohan, tentatively, "We should try…Option Number Three!"

"But the only witches we know is my sister Hechizar!" said Roshi, "But she barely knows anything, beyond watching her crystal ball…"

"Au contraire," said a voice behind everyone.

Everyone turned around and saw a pink-haired witch floating above the ground.

"Wow, Sissy!" Roshi rushed over to give his sister a hug, "I didn't you know you were…Ribbit!"

She had pointed a finger at him, transforming him into a frog. She then floated past him, her crystal ball in hand.

"We'll just leave him like that for a while," she said, then pointed a finger at a vase.

CRACK! The vase turned into a snake, which hissed and slithered after the Roshi-frog.

"He'll be all right," said Hechizar, "If he gets eaten, we can always turn the snake back into a vase and get him that way."

"No, no," said Bulma and Soteira quickly, "Just leave him that way – forever."

The witch grinned at them, but didn't say anything until she set up her crystal ball.

"Right," Hechizar said, "Do you have any of the Dragon Balls?"

"No," said Bulma, "But that can be easily done."

"Good. You'll need the rest of the warriors – Yamcha, Tienshinhan, Chiatzu, Kuririn – to…"

"Goku isn't dead!" Chi Chi whooped, dancing around the room, "Goku isn't dead after all, YAY!"

"Yes…" continued Hechizar, "Now, the matter with Piccolo is that he's been possessed (which you have already figured out), but I, nor any other magical person on the planet, will be able to help you."

"Who – or what – then?" Soteira said.

Hechizar eyed the princess carefully.

"You like him, don't you," she said suddenly.

"No," Soteira said without hesitation, "He, like the sculptor Pygmalion, cannot bring life to the statue he has fallen in love with. It is no fault of mine I am who I am and attract men I do not know."

"Very well," continued Hechizar, "Liar, we shall see."

She peered into her crystal ball, which appeared to be clear. The witch stared at it for so long that everyone grew bored. Finally, Roshi's sister took a deep sigh and lit an herbal (NO TOBACCO) cigarette. 

"It's him," said the witch, "The Elf."

"What Elf?" Vegeta demanded.

"Tybylas," continued the witch, "Brother of Radelas; Tybylas lives in the third region of Hell, Dysodea, which borders the fourth Hell: the Hall of Ice, also known as 'the Icebox'. Only Tybylas would know such secrets of the demon that lives within Piccolo; therefore, he's your only prayer."

She puffed on her cigarette.

"Well?" she addressed Soteira, "Are you up for going?"

"Why me?" Soteira spoke frankly, then sarcastically, "Oh, I understand. Only pure virgins can pass safely through the two other regions of Hell and access the Hall of Ice."

"Um…" said Hechizar, nearly choking on her puff.

"Well, you can forget it," said Soteira, "Because I am neither a virgin or pure – in more ways than one."

"Uh…" said Hechizar, clearing her throat, "I wasn't expecting that…But, no, we're not living in the Dark Ages. You don't even have to be a virgin for getting married anymore…"

"What's a virgin?" Gohan asked.

"Shush!" Chi Chi said sharply to the others, "There's a child here!"

"Well, get him out then," said Vegeta.

Chi Chi glared at him and escorted Gohan out of the room.

"So," said Soteira, then spoke sarcastically, "I don't have to be a virgin. Oh, wow, that is so relieving."

"You just have to powerful," said Hechizar, "You don't know what Hell is like."

"I do," said Vegeta, "But I won't go – not for some stupid Namekjin."

"How kind of you," said Soteira.

Vegeta blew her a kiss.

"I try my best," said Vegeta.

"So," said Soteira, "I am the only one who can do this."

Hechizar nodded.

"That's right."

"And I have to go through Hell."

"Yes."

"And see some Elf I am not acquainted with."

"Yep."

"And wrestle a secret away from him and bring Piccolo back."

"Not wrestle, but that's the general idea."

"I see."

Soteira turned her back on the witch.

"I will do it."

Hechizar started to float away.

"I told you that you were a liar."

Soteira shot a small fireball at the witch. It lit a houseplant (which was right in front of the witch) afire. Bulma shrieked.

"My orchids!" she screamed, but no one listened to her.

Hechizar's head turned slowly to look at Soteira.

"Bumbling, haggle-toothed hag," said Soteira, "I was not lying when I said I do not like Piccolo. You must understand that I am engaged to the Prince of Saiyajins. The only reason I shall take this mission is because I want the Namekjin to serve as Vegeta's best man at the wedding."

"WHAT!?" Vegeta exploded, "THAT FILTHY SWINE!?"

"Yes, him," said Soteira calmly, "Because no one else will."

(Some arguing followed, but Vegeta was eventually defeated.) Hechizar raised her eyebrow.

"Odd reasoning," she said, "I don't believe you."

"Do as you like," said Soteira shortly. 

"I'll show you the way to Kami's Lookout," said Hechizar, already at the door.

"No, that's all right," said Soteira, pushing past her, "I have pressing business to attend to."

Hechizar shook her head.

~ Chapter Eight: Angel ~

Meanwhile, the Piccolo-lookalike had settled himself in a vacationing person's flat. He knew of all the events that had happened that day, including Soteira's mission to Dysodea to seek Tybylas. Funnily enough, though, he wasn't pursuing her. He was mixing drinks at the bar by an open window. Soteira flew through the window and landed on the carpeted floor. She could hear "Love" (from the Bridget Jones' Diary soundtrack) playing softly from a boom box nearby as she turned towards the Namekjin.

"Whoever you are," Soteira addressed the Namekjin, "At once, I insist upon a confession universally acknowledged."

"You mean my possession of this body?" said the Namekjin, pouring out Dry Vermouth for himself, "Oh, that is so tedious, Prudence. Why not have a drink – or are you forbidden to do that, also?"

"I am not below drinking my bloody brains out, thank you very much," replied Soteira stiffly and very fast, "In my opinion, you have not lived at all if you have not gotten drunk at least once, though many would oppose me on such an opinion – Whiskey Sour, please."

He promptly complied. After doing so, he carried the two glasses and seated himself just as Soteira was sitting down on a comfy bench. Soteira took a sip of her drink.

"Excellent," she said, "It is not drugged after all."

"It might be," replied he, sipping his drink, "You just not might taste it."

"Really."

She took another sip.

"I would challenge you to a drinking game, but I have other matters to attend to," she said, "Firstly, who are you?"

"Oh, Prudence," said the Namekjin, reaching for her hand, "Why not the other thing first, then names…"

He was just about to kiss her hand when she drew it away from him.

"Your name?" she asked pointedly.

The other had a fanged, very un-Piccolo smile.

"Angel," he said (pronouncing 'an' like 'Dane' and 'gel' as in 'hair gel').

"How impertinent of you to call me more names than I should have," said Soteira.

"Angel _is_ my name," said Angel.

"What sort demon would possess the insanity to have a name like _that_?"

"Me."

"Fine. I suppose no enemy is perfect. How did you come to possess Piccolo?"

"While he was sleeping, of course. His and Kami's mind were, however, wide-awake, and I had to put up quite a mental battle with them. I am sure you could hear them screaming in their sleep when I finally poisoned his and Kami's mind to overcome both of them."

"I heard," interrupted Soteira, "Where did you come from?"

"Hell," said Angel, "Ironic, is it not? 

"What region?"

"The Hall of Ice, that it be."

"It is 'yes, it is', not 'that it be'. You do not have to talk like that to me, for this is not the Dark Ages."

"It will be when I am through with it."

"It will not be when I am through with you, now are you willing to relinquish the possession of Piccolo's body?"

"No, when I can do all sorts of fun things with it."

He tried to kiss her again, but Soteira stood up and walked across the room.

"I am giving the order to relinquish his body now," said Soteira.

The other stood up, but did not move.

"I will be willing," he said, "If you give…"

"I refuse."

"Very well, I shall…"

"…At once to Tybylas."

Soteira strode towards the window. The Namekjin stepped in front of her.

"I am thankful for the drink," said Soteira, "But I…"

She dropped to the floor, dead faint.

~

Soteira blinked. The ceiling was a blinding white, and somebody was kissing her…

"I ORDER YOU TO RELEASE ME!!" shouted Soteira at the top of her lungs.

Angel dropped her on the floor. Soteira stood up and wiped her mouth. She was livid.

"What – did – you – put – in – that – drink!?" she yelled at Angel.

"Nothing, Prudence," said Angel in an oily voice, and kissed her neck, "I only suppose that you are not used to the taste of Whiskey Sour."

"Stupid ass," said Soteira, "How long have I been out?"

"Actually, only five minutes, Sleeping Beauty."

"Plenty of time."

"To do what?"

"You – know – perfectly – well."

"No, I do not."

"Then you are not worth my time – good afternoon."

"Wait – a kiss?"

"Excuse me?"

"For Prince Charming, of course."

"Prince Char – _kiss you?_ I would rather staple my tongue to the floor and have a motor run over it."

"Really."

"No."

"Then?"

"Nothing."

She waltzed to the window and flew out of it, not to been seen there again.

~

Not long after a very ruffled Soteira left the apartment, Angel produced a crystal ball not previously seen before. He peered into it and smiled to himself.

~ Chapter Nine: Latmus ~

Soteira frowned when she saw the Lookout. The appearance of the place itself was all right, but the greeter was a different matter altogether. The greeter was a plump, black genie wearing a turban, with pointed ears, funky shoes, and two arm bracelets on his chubby arms. He also had red fish lips, dark skin, and round eyes. He seemed rather simple looking, so Soteira took no notice of him. Even when he opened his mouth and formed words, she swiftly walked the grounds of the Lookout, trying to look for the one called 'Kami'.

"Miss, miss," the genie said, "Mr. Roshi's sister called me – she said you were coming to see Kami."

The princess began hurrying down a hall of red doors with golden doorknobs. In succession, she'd open one, look in, shut it, and move on to the next door. All the while, she ignored the genie. Meanwhile, he spoke nonstop. That is, until Soteira reached a big yellow door. She reached for the silver doorknob, but the genie gasped and covered her hand with his.

"Don't go…" he mouthed, but Soteira jerked her head and glared at him.

"Unhand the royal personage!" she said loudly.

"Excuse me, miss," said the genie, "Don't go in there – that's Kami's room."

"Ah, just what I'm looking for," said Soteira shortly, "Now – move."

"No, miss…"

Soteira kicked the genie and opened the door.

"What…? Are you jesting?"

The inside of the room was pitch black. Even the light from the hallway barely lit the very floor in front of Soteira. She did not care, however. She had taken only one step into the room when she fell through the floor – literally! 

Soteira was free falling in a cold, airy space. She was nearly blinded by flashing lights and her hearing senses overwhelmed by a loud ringing. Her body was being tossed like a rag doll, her head was dizzy, and she had no sense of control. 

It was like drowning, only one couldn't think about one could see. There was no life-flashing-before-eyes moment nor about who-or-what-was-most-precious thought. There was only the flailing, the kicking, the concentration of remembering to breathe, and the falling.

Suddenly, Soteira felt herself slow down and finally stop. The lights became dimmer, the ringing ceased, and Soteira became to feel her body readjust to normalcy. She was suspended in a darkened whiteness. There was nothing to see, hear, or even touch. She was still upside-down – or was it right side up? Perhaps she was lying sideways or on her back…What was she? Where was she?

Soteira looked up – or was it down? Confused, she did a forward flip. She remained where she was, but now she was right side up – or down. There was nothing to see: only a brilliant whiteness.

"OI!" Soteira yelled.

The cry echoed, but no one answered. Desperately, Soteira shouted several more times, but each time, her wailing was returned. Soteira sighed, and flipped over backwards. She hugged her knees and closed her eyes. A cold, frigid breeze caressed her cheek. She shivered. It was cold here…

~

What seemed like many hours, Soteira stayed huddled in that calm, white, peaceful, biting, brilliant coldness. She had tried not to think of anything conscious. Rather, she thought of words.

_…Glide…Jewelry…Thrive…Fly…Hand…Blue…Peasant…Pine…Silver…Galatea…Pygmalion…Statuesque…_

Her muscle tightened.

_…Piccolo…_

~

Soteira looked up. Her eyes were not hopeful. They were dimmed, and merely wondering whether the noise Soteira heard was real or if she was mad. The noise came again. It was shuffling or rustling or something of the kind. She did not even dare to hope when she heard it for the third, or the fourth, or the fifth time. She deigned herself incapable of such a thing.

~

"Good afternoon, Sleeping Beauty," said Angel, hanging upside down on a silken ladder.

"Eh?" Soteira looked up from her cramped position, "Angel?"

"Sent from above. You're upside-down."

"In this place, it does not matter and nor does anything else."

"This place?"

Angel took a glance around.

"My, you _are_ in deep. I had no idea that Latmus had such depth."

"What?"

"This is what this place is called. It is so named after the mountain where Endymion eternally sleeps."

He smiled a fanged, Angel-smile at her.

"Pity you did not allow true love's first kiss."

Soteira scowled.

"True love? No such thing!"

"You are – an anti-romantic?"

"Allow me to say that I am for 'free love'."

"Ah."

Angel held out his hand. Soteira stared at it.

"Do you not want to be rescued, Prudence?" Angel asked.

"Perhaps," said Soteira, edging a little away from him, "I do not like your tone of voice."

"I am the only one here, Prudence," said Angel, "Out of the many knights who failed to pass the dragon, I have been victorious."

"Good for you, Prince Char," said Soteira shortly, "Now shove off."

"And if I do, you will be left here to slumber – perhaps forever."

"I have a feeling / I will dreaming / And hardly seeing / the white Time fleeing."

"Clever rhyme. My turn: 'There was a girl I thought pleasing / For whom I had a feeling / But she was stubborn / To Latmus did she turn / And now she lay-eth sleeping.'"

"I will not go with you," said Soteira finally, "I know that if I do, I shall owe you a favor."

"Do you not…" began Angel.

"No, I do not."

"…"

"Well? Go away!"

Soteira turned from him as best she could while she was upside-down. The two were silent for a while.

"You know," Angel spoke up, "If this place had a sense of gravity, your very little skirt would be upside-down, and I would…"

"…My panties are light gray, thank you very much."

"This place is awfully private…I am sure you would…"

"No, I would not. If that is the favor you are asking of me…"

"No, it would not be, actually."

"…Really?"

"Really, really."

"All right, then, what is the favor? If I accept it, shall you take me away from this place?"

"I will."

Angel paused, ensuring Soteira's attention. Then he began a short tale:

"I am not a very old demon. I am scarcely older than twice the age of what Piccolo Daimaō…"

Soteira interrupted with a snort.

"And that is not old?"

"Even Piccolo the Elder was not fully demon. He was still a mortal, and all mortals age and die. Demons – they can be born, they can be destroyed, and they can disappear…But age and die? Never! Demons – they are young, they will stay young. Some may take the appearance of old, white-haired men, but that is an illusion. Their powers – raw and light, but grow with flair, flavor, strength and style – such as the way with wine. Not there are not weak demons – those are the ones who wither and eventually disappear from existence."

Soteira rolled her eyes. Angel took the hint.

"But I digress. About two generations ago, I was alive and well in my own body. My life was at its peak of pleasure. There were plenty of women – though hardly compare to you, Prudence – and there was Pyrene. My, she was a beauty!" 

"A light, hazel haired girl with an aura of gold, pale skin, clear blue eyes, and freckles. She was about the most petite girl I had ever held in my arms. You might think she would break into a thousand pieces if I dropped her…Oh, yes, but she was a true naïveté. Frustration! She knew nothing of the world apart from the pretty little meadow where I always met her." 

"I figured she would be hardly different from all the other virgins I have slept with. Little did I know she was the daughter of a river goddess, who was the niece to a guard who worked for King Enma. When I seduced Pyrene, she went sobbing to her mother and I was eventually struck with a bolt of lightning sent by King Enma."

Soteira interrupted again.

"I am not surprised," she said, "It should have served you rightly."

"Well, _I_ certainly did not appreciate being struck with lightning," said Angel crossly, "And it bloody well hurt if that would make you happy!"

He pouted for a few moments, and Soteira smiled. Upon seeing her smile, Angel broke into a grin. Soteira's smile instantly disappeared.

"The lady smiled," said Angel.

"For a moment," said Soteira shortly.

"A rare moment indeed."

"Only to laugh at your foolery."

"Mayhap I shall make a face again to make you laugh."

"Not one chance."

"To win you dear heart is all I wish."

"Well, charming Casanova, you are not my dish."

"And it's no wonder that I like you as I do, cause I have to say in every way you are just too, too!"

"Quit singing and continue your story."

"All right – so I was struck by lightning. That bolt of lightning split me in two – my body went one way, and I (whatever you like to call it – spirit, essence, etc.) another. The bolt also opened a hole in the ground into Hell. I watched my body fall through the hole and descend into the Hall of Ice. That is where it remains to this day."

"And you want me to go and retrieve your body for you, like a common dog."

"Exactly like a common dog."

"I will not do it."

"Then I will never leave this body. And the world shall be doomed."

"It will be doomed whether or not I procure your corpse."

"I return Piccolo."

These words struck Soteira silent. Angel grinned.

"So you _do _like him _after all."_

"I do not," she replied curtly.

"Liar, liar, Prudence," said Angel.

"If you ever knew me at all, Char, the first thing you should know is that I never admit that I like anyone. The very thought of revealing and bearing my secrets and my soul is utter nonsense and is a waste of time, emotion, and useless tears. The whole idea that I like, much less care for, Piccolo is mysteriously and curiously conjured up in your own working, imaginative mind. Besides, even if the favor was for Piccolo, I simply will not do it. It is highly offensive my personage, it…"

"I can always find another body to do this task for me."

"Eh? What did you say? What do you mean?"

Angel's eyes glittered maliciously.

"As much as I adore possessing this body, Prudence, it simply cannot do for conquering the world for my own. There is Vegeta, after all, and Goku will be tripping along any day now…"

"Are you MAD?"

"I am – madder than Mad Jack MacMad, last year's winner of 'Who's the Maddest Madman in the Whole Mad Lot of Madland'."

"Oh my god! Fine…"

She bit her lip. The words came so slowly that Angel asked her to repeat it.

"I…will…do…it…"

"Do what?" Angel teased.

"…Get…Your…Stupid…Rotting…Ugly…Fat-faced…Short…"

"Hey!"

"…I am not finished…"

"That is enough!"

"Do not boss me around! Fine – your stupid corpse I will retrieve from the stupid Icebox of Hell, are you satisfied?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now carry me out of this hellhole."

~

Notes:

Wanker – 'sissy' Shove off – a very rude way of saying 'go away' Credits to Ben Elton and Richard Curtis, the writers of "Blackadder"; to all the actors of "Blackadder"; a anonymous friend (whom I have shamelessly and mortifyingly embarrassed countless times, both online and offline). Apologies to Shakespeare – mostly. Credits to Tybylas – an actual elf in a human body. 


End file.
